The Hard Truth About Men
Some hard truth for the men.
Driven men are hardwired to pursue money in their 20s and 30s. It's how society has programmed us to earn status and prove ourselves. We sacrifice our health. We sacrifice our relationships. We sacrifice our time.
The wiser successful men around age 40 begin to see the bigger picture. With our experience and skills, we realize we didn't have to do it like we did. We were stuck in the loop of trading our units of hours for their units of dollars. Need more money? Work more hours. Need more money? Work overtime. Need more money? Pick up a 2nd job. We don't value our time when we think we have unlimited time.
You can be filthy rich, have all the fancy cars, the big home and all the material things you desire. But, if I look at you and your physical fitness is severely lacking, your relationships with friends and family have a history of being weak, your integrity and character are questionable, you aren't contributing to the betterment of society... then you've failed up to this point.
A few of you will read this and feel defensive about something. I challenge you to look into an actual mirror and be honest with what you see.
"But Tony, it isn't right to judge others!"
I believe we are all judged. Every single day, by every single person. It's playing make-believe to think otherwise. It's a false, idealistic belief to think we are not judged. YOU even judge others. That's normal. It's human behavior. This is the hard truth that most are uncomfortable with. It's easier to pretend we aren't judged, so we can continue with our destructive behaviors, actions, and words.
The good news is that you can fix this. Most won't. Few will. Become the right man that embraces being judged, because you are being judged as a winner in all areas of life.
-Tony
Style vs. Execution
An observation of similarity between entrepreneurship and skating.
Whether we're talking business or carving bowls, there are two important things to consider; Style vs Execution.
I've been skateboarding almost two years now, and I continue to improve. Along the way, I started noticing the shift in levels.
At first, I was solely focused on execution. I didn't have the capacity or awareness to even think about style, because I was so focused on not falling down and eating concrete.
I'd study the lines and paths of better skaters, seeing where I could improve. I'd look for where I was losing speed and momentum. I'd worry too much about where my feet were placed on the deck.
All of it was focused on being able to make a few laps around the bowl, without falling down. I fell down a lot! Hundreds of times by now. It always hurts.
As I improved, I began feeling more of a flow state. Even though I was traveling much much faster, time seemed to slow down and I could anticipate and plan my lines, while reacting in real time with the surface of the bowl.
With enough practice and reps, I don't even think about minor distractions any longer. The execution is there, so now I can work on style. Making the run look smoother, higher, and more stylish.
In business, far too many get this backwards. They focus too much on style and looking good, rather than focusing on execution and achieving actual, earned results.
You can't fake it till you make it on a skateboard. Style won't fool anyone once you drop-in and they see how you execute.
You also won't fool anyone in business, except maybe actual fools. Those who've earned actual results can always see the fakes and those who pretend.
In business, focus on execution first. Focus on the core fundamentals, while also learning new things. Fail a LOT. Earn the scars that provide priceless lessons. Become proven at operations and delivering for your customers.
Then worry about style.
Entrepreneurship Burnout?
Entrepreneurship burnout is a real thing and I blame it mostly on one thing.
Goal addiction.
You'll set business goals, pursue them relentlessly, achieve them, and then think "What's next?"
You're always pushing yourself to "think bigger" and "work harder" all while being your own worst critic. You carry the weight of shame of "not being where you should be, by now."
You'll create an identity around being "consistent" or being the "hardest worker in the room."
This cycle repeats itself, forever. The only two options to break this cycle are 1) Literally dying or 2) Becoming aware of patterns and making conscious changes.
The personal development space has created a vacuum where logic cannot breathe, due to an overabundance of inputs telling you to pursue things based on the emotion of feeling lack.
The intentions behind these motivational messages are good, but they never consider the sacrifice and damage that occurs, as a result.
Entrepreneurs have a long history of pursuing success...
But sacrificing their relationships, or getting divorced.
But losing their physical health and fitness.
But struggle with mental health, and cope with drugs or booze
So what are the required changes?
- Learn to feel gratitude for this present moment. Don't get caught up in the future. Be present.
- Work with a therapist or coach that will challenge you, to ensure you're doing things for valid reasons, rather than because of ego or fear.
- Create a list of non-negotiable rules, your personal core values. These rules will navigate every decision in your life. Do not ever violate your own rules, this is where confidence disappears.
- Do not allow labels like "Consistency" to define you, when there isn't a net positive or happiness that comes as a result of being consistent. It's okay to skip once in a while, especially on vacations. We each deserve a pause, so stop fearing judgment from others just because you take a break from something.
- Use technology to make your business more efficient, gaining back more valuable time. Do not backfill this newly found time with more work. Use that time for yourself, doing things that make you happy and fulfilled.
- Continue to set goals, but also make time to celebrate and savor them. Reward yourself, instead of always thinking "What's next?"
Remember this;
You won't care about what critics said while in your grave.
Nobody cares who worked the hardest in a graveyard.
Living a rich life has nothing to do with money or status.
The world would be a better place if the best you existed.
-Tony
I'm Hardly Working
"Are you working hard, or hardly working?" 🤔
These days, I'm hardly working.
I was subscribed and bought into the hustle culture and associated work-hard 24/7 mantras in my 20s-30s.
I didn't know any better. I was ignorant about life and purpose.
Back then, I built my identity around out-working you. I was programmed to be proud of how many "OT Hours" I crushed. There was even a time I was working three jobs, because I always wanted more income.
I sacrificed sleep, thinking it was a waste of time. For over a decade, I missed a lot of holidays and special occasions because of work. "Gotta pay the bills!" right?
My relationships struggled. Eventually my health struggled. Fortunately, I became self-aware at age 39 and this spared my mental health. I knew I had to start making some changes.
I was observing those who were further ahead of me on the career ladder, understanding it was also my forecasted trajectory.
Sure, they earned a higher salary, but they were typically unhappy with their careers. They achieved a level of income that kept them trapped and fearful of pursuing the purpose they were intended for.
Most of them took pride in working 12+ hour days. Rarely taking vacations. Robbing that time from their families. Maybe they were just using work to avoid being in an unhappy, dysfunctional home?
By age 40, I started to put purpose, peacefulness and happiness above all else. It took a few years to make those changes. Many around me didn't understand what I was doing, or why I was doing it.
Believe me when I tell you this, but you have a far greater potential than to sit at an office or jobsite 8+ hours per day. There are ways you can earn more money, but more importantly; More free time.
Most won't take the risk. A few will try, but won't last long. It's not easy. This time freedom is what I help people achieve.
-Tony
Personal Development Can Harm Relationships
Your personal development journey will likely push some good people away.😮
This is a difficult truth which rarely gets discussed.
This happens in all aspects of the pursuit of a better you, whether it involves improving your financials, fitness, spirituality, and ironically; your relationships.
You'll lose people that you've considered close friends, maybe even vacationed with them or watched each other's kids grow up. People you've known decades. People you've shown nothing but respect and support towards.
At times, you'll feel confused by these changes, and wonder if you did something wrong to create the current situation. What caused the distance between you?
You begin to search for past evidence of yourself, to see if you did anything unethical or negative, but you don't find anything.
Over that time period, you've become a better person. Your income has increased. Your fitness levels have improved. Your mindset has become stronger and more confident. You've built stronger relationships. You've created more social impact or community influence.
And those are the reasons that some have chosen to move out of your circle. You've indirectly made them feel uncomfortable about themselves, or upset by watching you improve.
Many people will show support while they still sense that you're at the same level or range as them. They are comfortable, and you're predictable. There aren't any disruptions if everyone is in the same comfortable range as each other.
Most never pursue their dreams or ideal self. Sure, they'd love to be in better shape, have better relationships, a more desirable career, have more money, influence or power. They'll send pics of dream homes and cars to each other, knowing that neither will pursue those goals.
Think about how disappointing it must feel to these people, to watch one of their friends actually go all-in and pursue something bigger for themselves.
They've made a lifetime of excuses that they'll relabel as "reasons" to why they can't do something. "Timing isn't right. Don't have the time. Might do it next year. Can't afford it."
But here you are, actually doing it. Showing them that it isn't easy. Demonstrating that you're relentless and driven. Sharing your wins and winning streaks. Watching your trajectory climb in each area of personal goals.
Now they'll sense you've changed levels. They'll pretend you left the circle. They'll say "You've changed" without acknowledging you've actually improved, not just changed.
If they choose to look back to when you were close, they'll find evidence that you always encouraged them. Always supported them. Always loved them. You invited them to come on the same journeys with you, but they declined.
Keep doing what you're doing. If your intentions and morality are positive, and you're doing things for the right reasons, that's all that matters. You'll continue to lose people along the way, but you'll meet new people on the journey.
-Tony
Discipline Leads to an Easier Life
The people I lead keep me disciplined and accountable.
It's impossible to lead high performers without living by example, yourself.
You cannot be average in mindset.
You cannot be average in health and fitness.
You cannot be average in relationships.
You cannot be average in influence and leadership.
You cannot be average in money.
I consistently make better decisions because I carry high standards, and I expect my clients to do the same. Hypocrisy is a choice you can avoid, based on your decisions.
I don't drink alcohol.
I don't smoke or vape.
I don't use drugs, psychedelics, or get high to escape reality.
I don't eat crap food.
I don't drink chemicals like sodas or energy drinks.
True high performers don't fill their tank with 87 octane, when 100+ octane is required for high performance.
Many people consider themselves high performers, but they usually only perform in a few areas. They ignore the areas that they are weaker in, hoping that everyone only notices the areas they are stronger in.
The fat dude hopes you notice his Ferrari, not his shape.
The fit dude hopes you notice his abs, not his empty bank account.
The weak mindset person will spend all day arguing on Facebook.
The low confidence person will hide from photos and spotlights.
Here's the truth about high performers. To outsiders, it seems like it would be difficult to live to these standards. In reality, it is actually easier to live to high performing standards, once you've achieved these levels. That's right, it is EASIER.
Life is easier when you are healthy and fit.
Life is easier when you are confident.
Life is easier when you have money.
Life is easier when you become influential and a leader.
Life is easier when your relationships are stronger.
You must make the decision to do something about your situation. Everything is possible.
-Tony
What I Learned in My 40's
I turned 50 last week. Here's what I observed and learned in my 40's.
I kicked-off age 40 with several wins and some momentum. I had finally started taking my diet and fitness more seriously, and regularly went to the gym.
I had just accepted a role at Chevron earning $240K per year, and had a $38K signing bonus. I bought my first Rolex. People congratulated me. I also had the wheel business netting me 6-figures on the side. I was happy and felt good about my career path and future.
I enjoyed my project team, and mentoring some of the younger members. The job was challenging on a technical level, with many moving parts, international time frames, and big dollars. My signature authority was managing $200M of a $1B project.
It only took a few months within that role for me to realize that bigger companies move slower, and that I'd have hardly any real way to create impact there. It felt a bit limiting. I was just an employee ID on badge.
Most of the other managers greeted you for the first time while mentioning how many years they were with the company. It was clear that the culture valued tenure over talent. I've always been somewhat of a maverick, trying to improve organizational processes, efficiencies, and profits. Chevron didn't seem to value that effort. "If it isn't broke, don't fix it."
Between ages 41-43, I was fortunate to work for months in other countries. I worked in France, UK, Italy, Angola, and Republic of Congo. Working in other countries, living and commuting there for work, is an entirely different experience than just vacationing there. I observed cultural differences, and compared what the USA did well, and not so well. This broadened my global perspective about business and lifestyle.
The most impactful trips were the months I worked in Africa. I learned that the most extreme levels of poverty didn't automatically make people unhappy. I saw the opposite. I met and spoke with more happy locals in Africa, than I see here in the USA on a daily basis.
People everywhere are resilient, strong, hopeful, and make the best of what they have, regardless of income levels. I realized that the less people feel entitled, or behave and think someone "owes them", the happier they are. These people are more grateful about life. Money doesn't create happiness. Happiness is rooted within your soul, it is your choice, your outlook, your actions that create it.
I started to ponder my remaining 20+ career aged years ahead. Would I be happy waiting in line for desks in bigger offices to vacate? Would more Sr job titles and salary bumps really satisfy me? Was I pursuing executive titles out of ego and competitive nature? Likely yes. I was already earning more than most executives, with all I had built. I knew I had the skills and work ethic. It was just a time game, at that point. "Wait your turn."
At age 43, in 2015, there was a downturn in the oil/gas industry. The last year of my employment, there were several waves of layoffs. Our entire project team knew that we'd likely be laid off after completing the project. It was a testament of performing under pressure, not allowing emotions to dictate actions. At that point within operations, we were burning millions per day to execute. I completed my scope on time, and on budget.
I observed several unethical events on my way out of that industry. It was enough for me to realize that I didn't want to return to an industry that treated their loyal people so negatively.
I was laid off while still working in Paris. I never made it back to my Houston office, nor did I get to say goodbye to my team. I felt exhausted and underappreciated. I flew Lisa over, and we spent a few weeks driving around France, unwinding from a stressful year. We both were focused on "What next?" during those weeks.
I just knew that I wanted to create more impact in this world, but I wasn't certain which path it would be. At that point, I had the right thoughts and intentions, but I lacked urgency. I was burned out.
Urgency arrived in December 2015. I had a near-death experience while racing a car at the drag strip. I hit a concrete wall at 130 mph. I had no major injuries, but that moment before impact reframed my entire perception of time.
What if I had died? How would I be remembered? Was my imagined eulogy good enough? No, it wasn't. I'd have been remembered as "Nice rich guy, cool cars, gone too soon."
Up until that point in my life, I always tried to lead by example and mentor/help those around me, but I was also playing very small. Unless you were within proximity to me, you'd never experience the benefits I could provide. I've helped and mentored several friends to become highly successful... but how come I wasn't expanding my effort to the world?
It's because I was insecure about stepping into any spotlight. I was comfortable being the MVP behind the logos, behind the people I helped. I had built a very comfortable life without putting myself out there. I didn't like being on camera, photos, or recordings.
You see, that accident made me realize I was hiding. I was putting fear of criticism and judgment ahead of my true purpose. I had all the convenient excuses to deploy, just like many of you still do. "I'm too busy for that." "I have a family that takes up my free time." "I don't need to do that" It was all just lies I told myself, to avoid being uncomfortable. Sound familiar?
In 2017 I started writing my first book, Side Hustle Millionaire. It launched in 2018 and sold over a thousand copies the first week. It hit #1 on Amazon in several large categories, against most of the books you've likely read.
I weathered a small wave of critics, haters, and naysayers. Some of them I'd even known for years. Even had someone try to sabotage my business. I removed those people from my life. I'm grateful they exposed themselves.
Later in 2018 the 365 Driven podcast launched. Now we are 277 episodes in, and it is globally ranked in the Top-1% of all podcasts.
I've helped thousands of people find their confidence, learn business principles, and pursue their own dreams. I've advised clients with 7 and 8 figure exits, reduce their stress levels, and find more time freedom for themselves.
I no longer fear stages. I no longer fear cameras. I've invested heavily into myself to become the required character to pursue my mission and purpose. I no longer fear death, as it is inevitable.
My 40's were about living with intention, gaining awareness of the world and my innermost beliefs. It was an era of discovery and unveilings when it comes to other people and their weak intentions and false friendships.
My core values drive me, daily. I'm motivated by showing you all what is possible. I'm physically and mentally stronger than at any point previous of my life.
As a man of focused legacy and impact, I'm no longer impressed purely by someone's wealth or their internet flex. I admire the positive global impact that individuals create, regardless of their wealth.
I am now excited by uncertainty and the unknown. I look forward to what my 50's bring. 🧡
-Tony
I Graduated Improv Comedy School
I just graduated from improv comedy school. 🙃
Here's what I learned from the last 12 months.
The very nature of improv comedy is that it is improvisational, unscripted, and has zero predictability or certainty. This alone would strike fear into the hearts of most people.
While most people talk about "stepping out of your comfort zone" by sharing memes and inspirational words about the topic, enrolling in comedy school actually best exemplifies practicing what you preach.
Compared to public speaking, Toastmasters, standing on stages with thousands in attendance, doing improv is far more challenging and uncomfortable. That's why I signed up!
Here's why improv is more challenging than public speaking.
When you practice public speaking, you get to plan your opening statement, plan your stories, and plan your closing segments. You also are continually refining your voice, your character, your persona, thus your brand.
While these exact same things exist in doing stand-up, scripted comedy, none of that exists in improv.
With improv, you don't get to pick your character, your persona, your voice, or the storyline. Most of those get assigned to you by your stage mates, and then you must build the story together, on the fly. Sometimes you might play the role of an elderly grandmother, a small child, or even an inanimate object... and have to act those roles out.
Improv forces you to become an effective listener. You must listen for details and clues from your stage mate, and be able to weave those details into a narrative and expand upon them. This alone has made me a better podcast host. I actively listen for details when guests speak, and expand further on topics or ideas.
As with any skill, there are too many strategies, tactics, and lessons to share in a simple post, but my main takeaways are that improv will force you out of your comfort zone, force you to become a detailed listener, force you to think quicker, force you to be more creative and think abstractly about ideas others won't see.
The end result is that when you know you can become confident stepping on that comedy stage, owning whatever character gets thrown your way, embracing uncertainty, this makes it much easier for you to accept your true self and who you are, in the more scripted/planned areas of your life.
If the thought of this scares you, that's the reason you should do it.
Tony
If you are in the Houston Texas area, this is the school I attended: Station Theater
Don't Tolerate Them Just Because...
You likely share common interests or hobbies with negative or toxic people. This doesn't mean you should remain friends with them.
As I approach age 50, this has been one of my more recent realizations over the last few years. I'm not sure why it took me so long to come to this conclusion, so I hope this helps you reach the awareness much sooner.
It's common for us to find others with similar interests, and we initially enjoy those early conversations, events, and activities with these people. We don't know much about them, other than we have something in common, so we think they must be cool, too.
That's not always the case. In every group of people, there will always be a few that lack integrity, are dishonest, envious, manipulators, unethical, thieves, and any other negatives you might think of. The good/bad ratios aren't any different from a normal population of people.
For some reason, we tend to tolerate the negative behaviors, actions, and words more, from those we share interests with. Is it because we feel like we are part of a tribe, and don't want to lose access to the tribe? Perhaps.
In the past, I used to tolerate fellow car enthusiasts and racers. Some of these connections were 20+ years deep. I knew some of them weren't good people, but I didn't want to rock any boats.
Nowadays I assess each person in my life and my proximity, on an individual basis. I couldn't give one shit what we have in common.
If I see too many negative words, actions, and behaviors, that's a pattern. It reveals your character, your insecurities, and your intentions. I don't tolerate it, and I'll create boundaries and remove you.
I hope this message raises your awareness. Don't hold onto people based on how long you've known them. Don't hold onto people because you share an interest. People change, and you should also change - by improving.
Tony
An Average Childhood
I had an average childhood. I grew up in a small home, on a small street, in a small suburb town near Houston. Japanese immigrant mom, US Marine Vietnam veteran dad.
I was average at sports but had above average grades for being in sports. I've always enjoyed learning things, applying what I learned, and being tested.
I had a neighborhood bully in grade school that would torment me and call me all sorts of Asian race-related words, and would sometimes beat me up or push me off my bike while I was riding past his house. I didn't retaliate until 7th grade. Then he left me alone.
There were numerous cute girls I had crushes on, who wouldn't give me the time of day. I was shy around them. I recall the sting of asking them to school dances and being turned down. I don't regret asking, however.
I was never voted "Most likely to succeed." Hell, I was never voted for anything. I sort of just blended in. I was likeable, and got along with nearly everyone. I just never considered myself "popular" like some of the others who always garnered attention and adoration.
Not much of my childhood applies to my current life, but there are still a few things I can look back on that remain unchanged.
I've always had discipline, determination, and patience to learn new skills and pursue mastery in the the subjects and activities I love. In my life, this has applied to skateboarding, billiards, art, photography, racing cars, writing, leadership, engineering, money, business, relationships. I've never put in half effort when it comes to things I enjoy.
I've always been curious and inquisitive. I ask questions from those who know more than I do. I study videos, read endless books, join coaching groups, hire mentors. I do crazy amounts of research in subjects that interest me. I question everything, especially subjects where I'm being told what to do. I hate being told what to do.
I've always been an adrenaline addict. I used to want to be a stuntman, fighter pilot, or race car driver. I enjoyed martial arts, full-contact sports, BMX, skateboarding, roller hockey, wrestling, bar fights, racing over 200 mph. I've always had a desire for living on the edge, or way past the edge. I've learned to control my violent side, but it's still inside me. I love taking risks.
Here's the thing; You can lead an average life, or you can do things that inspire you, challenge you, and force yourself to evolve and improve. It's your choice. Just because you may have had an average childhood, an average adulthood up until now, it doesn't mean you have to continue on that same, predictable path.
Do something. This isn't a practice life. That timer isn't going to pause for you. Live at wide open throttle. 🤩
-Tony